Political correctness sucks. Nobody says anything anymore or, to be more accurate, says anything of meaning. Official statements are released, interviews given and questions from the press answered. Most of the time though, whatever the subject, it’s the same answer given.
If you want to get re-elected, do not admit that crotchety senior citizens are anything but sweet, wonderful and, of course, charming conversationalists.
“I’d love to reply to your insightful query with my honest and valid opinion but I’m afraid you’ll twist what I say to suit your own agenda or simply make far more out of my remark than was ever meant, just to sell your dubious excuse for a newspaper (which, to be fair, is true enough or else no one would read the News of The World). Therefore, I’m afraid that, in the interests of self-preservation, I’ll have to stick to non-speak and, in as many words and combinations as possible, offer nothing of substance whatsoever. Do you have a follow up, question? Yes I’d love to answer that, as well, but see my original response. Thank you, very much. Who’s next?”
Of course, since it’s worked so well for politicos, PC has now permeated every facet of society. That, unfortunately, includes football. Liability has a lot to do with this, of course. It can be quite expensive, in modern society, to hurt someone’s feelings or cast them in a poor light, even if you speak the truth. Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will land you in court faster than you can say Johnny Cochrane.
There are still a few characters around who say what’s on their mind, such as Jose Mourinho, Roy Keane and Ian Holloway. In the case of the Blackpool manager, I honestly didn’t know that much about him (give me a break, I live in Florida) until he came up in a recent conversation with WFC writer Matty Dalton. Since then, I’ve done a bit of catching up and I have to say I regret being in the dark about the man. He is blunt, honestly direct and has a unique sense of humour. In short, he’s engaging and that is exactly what being PC is not.
Where politicians have mastered the art of political correctness, footy personalities are often far less adept. So, on occasion you can read between the lines, to decipher the code of their veiled remarks, and discover what they’re truly saying. More often than not, it’s a tedious exercise but, once in a while, it can be great fun.
What follows is a handy guide to translating non-speak into the Queen’s English, using actual quotes from persons involved in recent events in the footballing world.
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From the Guardian, on Martin O’Neill leaving Aston Villa
My agent said this worked for Ronald Reagan.
“It’s obviously a wrench to be leaving such a magnificent club.” – Martin O’Neill
Translation: If I didn’t leave, I’d have hit Randy Lerner over the head with a wrench! The man is a skin flint. How does he expect me to field a decent squad if he doesn’t free up funds to replace all the players he’s letting go?
“The club would like to thank Martin for the great work he has done at Aston Villa over the past four years. He has helped to establish the club in the upper echelons of the Premier League, has taken us to Wembley and we have also qualified for European competition for the past three seasons under his management. We wish him the best in the future.” – Paul Faulkner, Aston Villa CEO
Translation: We thought he’d never leave. He’s such a stick in the mud and was always asking Mr. Lerner for more money. It’s not like Randy’s made out of the stuff! Well okay, he is, but he wants to keep some of it. What’s wrong with that?
“I wish them all the best for the future. I will obviously be assisting the club in the immediate short term with regard to the handover of my duties.” – O’Neill, again
Translation: If I don’t stick around until Kevin MacDonald stops freaking out, I won’t get my severance pay.”
“The LMA shares Martin’s disappointment at him leaving Aston Villa. He has achieved great success not just with Villa but throughout his managerial career. He is a great example to all aspiring managers having built the foundations in non-league football to then go on to successfully manage at the highest level in the game.” — Richard Bevin, CEO of the League Manager’s Association
Translation: We’re thinking of taking legal action.
From the Mail, on Craig Bellamy leaving Man City
“I haven’t spoken to the manager since February. There are a number of players, like Tevez and me, who he doesn’t speak to and keeps us away. I’m not sure if it’s personal. Maybe it’s the way he deals with things and it’s his manner.” – Craig Bellamy, soon to be ex-Man city forward
Translation: He keeps yelling at me to do things his way, so I just ignore him. I mean, Carlos and me gave it a go more than once, but in the end we were just better off taking the bleedin’ ball, runnin’ over and around blokes and puttin’ it in the back of the net. I miss Sparky.
From Soccernet, also on Craig Bellamy leaving Man City
Come on now, Craig, take it easy. I was just kidding about the extra training. Put down that nine iron.
“What he has said is not important because it is false. I speak with the players every day and Craig always played for me last year. This year I choose other players. I am the manager and it is my choice.” – Roberto Mancini, manager of Manchester City
Translation: I speak to him all the time. He just doesn’t listen and does as he likes. I don’t care if he and Tevez did score all those goals, give me Patrick Vieira any day of the week.
From Soccernet again, on where Craig Bellamy might end up
“At the end of the day, the way the situation seems to be forming for Craig that Manchester City won’t use him at Premier League level, so from Craig’s point of view, it is very important that he makes the right decision, for his career, because a wrong decision at this point in time could hurt him, so I wish him well in what decision he takes.” – Mark Hughes, new Fulham man and Bellamy’s former coach at Man City, Blackburn and with Wales
Translation: I miss you, too!
From the ubiquitous Soccernet, on Christian Poulsen not being a replacement for Javier Mascherano, at Liverpool
Psst, Roy, what's all this Mascherano stuff? Are they ever going to ask a question about me?
“It is not a question of Christian replacing Javier. I believe Javier is going to play for us. We’ve got a lot of games to play, hopefully, and we’re going to need a lot of players. We didn’t take him in to replace somebody; we took him in because we want him to improve the size of our squad and the quality of our squad.” – Roy Hodgson, new Liverpool Manager
Translation: Bloody hell! Of course, he’s here to replace Mascherano. Do you think I’m daft or something? The lad wants to leave and, as long as he’s here, there’ll be a bad vibe in the clubhouse. But we’re not going to just give him away. If that rat, Rafa, or anyone else wants him, they’re going to pay. We’re in enough debt without letting perfectly good assets walk out the front door without even a kiss on the cheek for goodbye, thank you very much.
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So, as you can see, footballers are just not as good at slipping reporters the old no comment. The truth is always lurking just below the surface. Try as they might, there is usually something to be gleaned from their fumbled attempts at saying a heck of a lot of nothing at all.
On the other hand, there’s this from the Telegraph, on Fabio Capello calling time on Beckham’s England career
As it turns out, England is no country for old men.
“I thank (David) very much for helping me at the World Cup but he is probably too old.” –Fabio Capello, embattled England manager
Translation: I thank (David) very much for helping me at the World Cup but he is probably too old.
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It’s refreshing to see a little honesty from someone with something to lose. The media and fans are all over this because Capello supposedly dissed Beckham.
My question is in what way, exactly? As Jim White points out on Yahoo!, it’s not like Capello is lying or even bursting Golden Ball’s bubble. Beckham is too old. He knows it , Capello knows it and the rest of the world knows it.
So pile on Fabio if you like, to assuage the bruised feelings from the bursting of your own World Cup bubble, but I respect a man who can tell it like it is and be honest with his players. They are grown men and should be able to handle the truth as such.
The world might be a better place, if we all had slightly thicker skins.
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