Tues., 10 Aug. — Top Ten Reasons Martin O’Neill Quit Villa

Yesterday started out pretty well.  After a weekend of the wet stuff, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky and I was able to get in a little beach time.  I ran into a cute little yachtie I used to work with, way back when I was still south of 200 lbs.  She was holding up a lot better than I was and somehow resisted the urge to poke me in the gut like I was the Pillsbury Doughboy.  It’s a good thing, too, because I would have probably giggled exactly as if I was.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_I3br9m-68

I think she needs to get her eyes checked though, because we’re having dinner on Thursday night.

Anyway, I got to the office and, settling in, checked my mail to see what was going on in less humid parts of the world. Imagine my surprise when the first thing I saw, on Soccernet, was that Martin O’Neill had walked out of Villa Park! Five days before the season starts, no less.

The article really didn’t say much about why. So I headed over to Sky Sports to get the lowdown. They really didn’t have a lot to say, either. Eurosport was just as in the dark as the others. In fact, all of their accounts were almost verbatim, except for some rearranging of the paragraphs. Is there a website where they sell breaking new stories, like pilfered copies of college exams?

I decided I needed to do some digging. After reaching out to all my contacts and several complete and discomfitted strangers, I think I’ve got a better picture, now, of what happened and it’s nothing like what all the ‘experts’ are speculating.

Believe me, it was a pretty complicated situation. O’Neill’s been stewing over a lot of issues this preseason and things finally came to a head. There was just too much to handle and Martin thought it best to get while the gettin’ was good.

So here, as a WFC exclusive, I’m happy to present the Top Ten Reasons Martin O’Neill Quit Aston Villa:

10. Martin found out that instead of Stephen Ireland coming to Villa Park in the James Milner sale, it would be Patrick Viera.

9. It’s always been his dream to open a really good curry takeout and, hey, there’s no time like the present!

8. New CEO Paul Faulkner wouldn’t stop calling him David and shrugged it off, claiming that “All you Irish look alike to me.”

Floyd 'Twnkletoes' Womack

7. O’Neill discovered that plans had been approved for a work exchange program with owner Randy Lerner’s NFL Cleveland Browns, in which

a) he would have to allow counterpart Eric Mangini to name his starting eleven on alternate weeks.

b) forward Emile Heskey, in order to improve his goal scoring accuracy, would become the Browns’ placekicker for a month and

c) to trim some of his excess fat, 6’2″ 328 lb offensive lineman, Floyd Womack, would become the Villans first option at striker.

6. Martin was constantly being pestered by Ashley Young and Richard Dunne, who had watched the World Cup on the telly, and wanted to know why he couldn’t coach more like Diego Maradona?

5. Paul Faulkner wanted him to be more dynamic with the media, suggesting that, “Maybe, David, you could do that eyebrow thingy that Ancelotti, over at Chelsea, does?

4. To help improve his relations with disaffected players, O’Neill was ordered by the club psychologist to attend weekly sensitivity sessions and sip mimosas with disgruntled defender Nigel Reo-Coker.

3. Someone with a really thick brogue, who sounded a lot like Sir Alex Ferguson with a headcold, left a message on his answering machine saying he was retiring and the ManU job was his, if he wanted it.

2. On his last day, Martin passed a Red Cross mobile donation unit, in the parking lot, on his way into the training ground and was met by Faulkner, who told him, “If you’re really serious about getting creative in raising transfer funds, Davey boy, then roll up your sleeves!”

And the Number One Reason Why Martin O’Neill Quit Aston Villa:

Mum,...

...Da...

...And little Gaga make three!

He wanted to get away from the harsh media spotlight before the News Of The World revealed that he and Anne Robinson were the parents of illegitimate love child, Lady Gaga.