It was bound to happen.  For virtually all of the tournament, the officials, as they should be, have been largely invisible.  Today, though, 2 of the men in black stepped into the spotlight, affected their matches and left a bad taste in the mouths of a pair of nations.

Klose invades a Serbian's personal space

In the opening match, Germany faced Serbia.  Given the playing style of both countries, this promised to be a physical encounter.  So, what did FIFA do?  The wise old men of the game assigned a Spanish referee to the match.  Officials from the Primera Liga are to forwards what grandparents are to grandchildren.  Mollycoddlers.  They will do anything for them, give them anything they want and make sure no one lays a hand on them.

With barely 20 minutes gone in the first half, Alberto Undiano had already handed out four yellow cards.  In every incidence, a foul had occurred but not one of them was what anyone, beyond the realm of King Juan Carlos, would call bookable.  Soon, players were falling down at the merest touch or if an opponent simply breathed on them.  It didn’t matter whether he had brushed his teeth and gargled pre-game or not.

Once again, he gets too Klose

Inevitably, in the 35th minute, Miroslav Klose was booked for his second yellow and sent to the showers.  Three minutes later, the Serbs broke down the right and the cross found Milan Jovanovic alone in the box, where he drilled the ball past a helpless Manuel Neuer.

Jovanovic was so thrilled to give his tiny country the lead against their Teutonic foes that he ran pell mell towards their supporters and, to celebrate with them, vaulted a wall which turned out to be an empty security moat with a 10′ drop on the other side.  The fact that he returned to the pitch uninjured was likely down to the incredible surge of adrenaline that must have been coursing through his body.

Ironically, he was not shown yellow for excessive celebration.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Alberto Undiano, the very definition of restraint.

Sources say Undiano's day job is directing planes on the tarmac at Madrid's Barajas Int'l Airport

Germans are famous for their determination and this new, young batch of World Cup footballers did not disappoint.  They kept pushing forward but Nemanda Vidic and Branislav Ivanovic manned a red and white wall built around the Serbian 18 yard box.  The men in white and black threw themselves against that fortification time and again but were unable to break through in sufficient force to do damage.

The only time that they came close caused Undiano to point to the spot.  Christian Podolski’s penalty kick was a rather tepid one, however, for which Vladimir Stojkovic was surely grateful as he guessed well and dove to his left to save.

At any rate, the score was Serbia 1, Germany 0.  And that was the end of that story.  Well, for the most part, it was.  All told, that man with the whistle handed out so many cards, 9 yellow and 1 red, that he might have been confused for a Japanese businessman.  Yet, he wasn’t the worst official FIFA put in charge of a match on this day.  That (dis)honor went to Kolan Coulibaly of Mali.  <if you saw this match, insert derogatory limerick here>

Players became nervous when Coulibaly blew the final whistle 3 minutes after the start

The African was said to have a sterling reputation for his work on the dark continent, especially as the man in charge of the African Cup of Nations final, earlier in the year.  His performance in the USA/Slovenia match can only be logically explained by something like a case of alien abduction or his having a secret evil twin.  Coulibaly whistled foul after inexplicable foul against the Americans, leading the match commentators to describe his officiating with adjectives like horrible, incredible and nightmarish.

Landon Donovan overtakes Coulibaly as they both chase the play

To be fair, the match shouldn’t have been close enough for anything short of the apocalypse to influence the result.  The US, as is their wont, allowed it to be, through poor selection and lack of defensive organization in the first half.  Once again, they fell behind early and then were caught pressing too far forward to go down two goals at half time.

Michael Bradley begins to suspect Coulibaly may suffer from narcolepsy

The American coach, Bob Bradley, removed the ineffective Robbie Findlay and Jose Torres during the intermission to correct his poor choices to start the match.  Maurice Edu came on to support the back line and Benny Fellhaber to take over on the left wing so that Clint Dempsey could join Altidore in attack.  Just minutes into the 2nd stanza, Landon Donovan awoke, like the proverbial sleeping dog, and taking a through ball from Steve Cherundolo, charged towards the right post to fire an RPG which Samir Handinovic wisely ducked under.  The Americans were back in the match at 2-1 but there is something to be said for still having your head attached.

Players watch in astonishment as Coulibaly and his assistant search for a dropped contact lens

Coulibaly continued to blow the whistle at inconvenient times, including once against an incensed Michael Bradley for a phantom foul with less than 10 minutes remaining.  Immediately after, the Americans won the ball back and a more physical Jozy Altidore held off a Slovenian defender and moved the ball across the pitch. Hercules Gomez, newly inserted for Oguchi Onweyu as the US switched to a risky 3-4-3 with time running short, let the ball go and Bradley, still frothing at the mouth, broke into the box and sent a perfect half volley over Handinovic.

Finally losing patience, Jozy Altidore politely directs Coulibaly towards the official FIFA optometrist

Now, unless your employer is the WWE, having a sense of the dramatic is not a good thing for a referee.  Our man Kolan certainly has one, though, saving a true showstopper for his curtain call.  The Americans were not satisfied with a draw and three minutes later, drew a free kick from the right at about 40m from goal.  Donovan sized up the situation and laid a perfect ball into a melee in front of goal.  Cameras would later show almost every Slovenian with a death grip on some American body part, pulling and tugging desperately.  Michael Bradley was wrestled to the ground, held in a bear hug. Only Maurice Edu escaped, pivoting away from his man, streaking forward and connecting with Donovan’s delivery on the half volley.

Six and a half billion people, minus one, thought the US had just won the match.  The one who counted saw a foul or, according to information relayed to Bob Bradley later, at least three, committed by an American.  It was, in the second half anyway, the most compelling soccer so far in the tournament.  Everyone loves to see heroes overcome impossible odds to win.  The United States almost pulled it off, coming from behind and a man down (11 v 12) to earn a win but be given a draw.

Happily, all is not lost.  Their fate is still in their own hands as a victory against Algeria will see  them through, no matter the result of the England/Slovenia match.

Before the match, Algerian fans set a new world record for the most people simultaneously impersonating former WWE wrestler The Rock's, catchphrase, "Can you Smmeellll el el el el........what the Rock........is cookin'?!

As for the English, they were awarded perhaps the best official in the tournament.  I’m speaking of the Uzbeki, Ravshan Irmatov, who opened the tournament for South Africa and Mexico.  His correct call on what, at first looked like an obvious offside to most, set a tone that, until today, had been largely followed by the rest of the referees.  Here was a man who was going to let 2 teams play.

Unfortunately, only one did and it wasn’t England.  The Algerians came out and worked the ball down the wings.  Karim Ziani and Ryad Boudebouz used their speed to put pressure on the flanks of the Three Lions.  Meanwhile, Madjid Bougherra of Rangers and Nadir Belhadj anchored the defense.  Bougherra was a physical match for Wayne Rooney and the United star was out of sorts for the whole game.

Given that the Africans were employing a new keeper, with just one cap and that as an emergency substitute, the English were strangely reluctant to shoot.  you would expect them to test the raw recruit at every opportunity.  Yet, time after time for 90 minutes plus, they penetrated the box and rather than let loose, attempted lateral passes that were, without fail, intercepted by the Algerian back line.

During the match, Princes Harry and William are informed that they must give up their seats as a proper royal, Lady Gaga, and her entourage have unexpectedly arrived.

Basic physics.  You must direct the ball towards the goal for it to go in.

Despite not going for goal when in close, it was the English who had more play inside their opponents 18 yard box.  The Algerians dominated in midfield and on the edges but never really tested David James.  Most of their success can be blamed on the incredibly weak passing of their foes.  It was like the Brit’s legs (and minds) were numb.  Short balls had no pace and the Algerians easily picked them off.   Longer balls were often errant and there was, subsequently, no flow to the English game.

By all reports, the England players love playing for Fabio Capello.  All the more mystery, then, why they failed to show up for a match on his 64th birthday.

By night's end, Fabio Capello at last knew what it truly means to be England manager.

Referee Irmatov did absolutely nothing to sway the match, it’s true, and I applaud him for that after such an awful effort from his two colleagues earlier in the day.  On the other hand, the only way he could have exerted any significant influence over proceedings would have been to run onto any one of the many English faux passes and, in frustration, dribble down the pitch and deposit the ball into David James’ goal.

At least England’s performance wasn’t the only confusing thing about this match.  The announcer kept referring to Algeria’s professional diver <sic> forward Karim Matmour by his surname.  The trouble was it always came out as Matt Moore, whom I was quite sure wasn’t part of the England squad but seemed to be seeing more of the action than any of his teammates.

As for me, I’m extremely proud of myself.  I just wrote 6 paragraphs detailing events in a match in which absolutely nothing happened.

Who needs Nils Bohr and Albert Einstein?

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Previous Entries in WFC’s World Cup Diary

Experimental FIFA eyewear to help refs see what is right in front of them

Match Day 1:  South Africa v Mexico, France v Uruguay

Match Day 2: South Korea v Greece, Argentina v Nigeria, England v USA

Match day 3: Slovenia v Algeria, Ghana v Serbia, Germany v Australia

Match Day 4:  Netherlands v Denmark, Japan v Cameroon, Italy v Paraguay

Match Day 5:  Slovakia v New Zealand, Portugal v Ivory Coast, Brazil v North Korea

Match Day 6:  Chile v Honduras, Spain v Switzerland, South Africa v Uruguay

Match Day 7:  Argentina v South Korea, Greece v Nigeria, France v Mexico

Match Day 8:  Germany v Serbia, USA v Slovenia, England v Algeria  written by Matt Dalton