The Lost Boys

FIFA's emergency replacement mascot

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

It’s okay, you can relax.  That sound you hear isn’t a hungry crocodile looking for a meal.  It’s just the seconds slowly winding down to the first match of the World Cup.  With over a week before the first kick, every country’s roster pared down to the lucky 23 and each nation arriving and snuggling into their quiet hotel retreats, FIFA has begun to kick the hype engine into overdrive.

There is a lot riding on this particular World Cup for Sepp Blatter.  The debut of the event in Africa is to be lauded but it isn’t without risk as the African Cup of Nations demonstrated just months ago.  Of course, South Africa is not Algeria.  Still, this is el Jefe’s baby and he wants the best for it.

That’s why I think he must be concerned with the absence of so many of the game’s best players.  It isn’t clock eating crocs that have kept them away.  Injury, international retirement, personal and political issues,  failure to qualify and the preference of their manager for someone else are all factors that dimmed the star power on offer in 2010. All told, so many are missing that even if you discount the injured, who can’t play, and the ‘retired,’who choose not to, you could still select a team for the ages.

Since I have a week with nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs and watch depleted MLS teams play comparatively meaningless matches, by Jove, that is exactly what I’m going to do.

Before I unveil my selections, there are two caveats I have to announce.  The first is that, despite exhausting the talents of my vast network of scouts, I was unable to find 3 top flight goalkeepers that fit my rigid criteria.  So, I had to fudge a bit there.  The second is that, because I found their reasons for ‘retiring’to be fairly reasonable, I issued clemency to 4 players in the side who otherwise would not be eligible.  Give me a break here, people.  It’s not like I’m the Governor of Texas or something.

Without further ado, then, I introduce  my < obligatory drum roll>

2010 Squad Of Players Who Should Maybe Be In South Africa!

In Goal

3. Kasper Schmeichel Denmark/Leeds United

2. Steven Harper England/Newcastle

1. Sebastien Frey France/Fiorentina

Alright, so these guys aren’t exactly world beaters.  Like I said, there was a dearth of qualified netminders.  I had to take what I could get.

My first choice would have been Shay Given, who, but for a <coughbullshitcough> call  by the referee on Thierry Henry’s slight misinterpretation of the rules and then the double whammy of a late season shoulder separation with Man City, would have been representing the Republic of Ireland in the finals.  I considered Henry as a replacement, since he seemed to have good hands and his lack of playing time down the stretch with Barcelona cast his participation with France in doubt.  In the end, though, the lame duck French manager, Raymond Domenech included him in the squad.

Which brings me to my number one by default, Sebastien Frey.  Yes, he did ‘retire’from international competition at the tender age of 28.  In my judgment, he had a pretty good reason, though, and that reason’s name is Raymond Domenech.  Seriously, how do you play for a man who proposes to his girlfriend on national television immediately after his side is bounced from a major competition?  After they win, maybe.  Otherwise, not so much.

Sebbe was literally stonewalling opposing strikers as Fiorentina rose up through the Serie A table, a year ago, to qualify for the Champions League.  Once there, they dismantled Liverpool and were eventually eliminated by another <coughbullshitcough> call against eventual runners up, Bayern Munich.  Throughout this run, Domenech remained the only man in France unimpressed with Frey’s yeoman work.

The search for two back ups to the Frenchman wasn’t easy.  Perhaps the best available was Blackburn’s Paul Robinson.  Sam Allardyce’s goggle eyed histrionics over his man’s exclusion from the England squad had me in such fits of laughter, however, that I snubbed Robbie, too, hoping for an encore performance.

Eventually, I decided on Steven Harper for my number two. Having patiently waited behind Given for all those years at St. James’Park, the 17 year veteran stepped in this year and was the wall at Newcastle’s back as they dominated the Championship.  While it wasn’t the top flight, his performance deserves some recognition.

Second generation phenomenon Kasper Schmeicel, just signed for Leeds, is showing every sign of eventually surpassing his father’s legendary feats.  With that in mind, I thought some early exposure to the international scene would be a good thing for Junior.  He’ll be toiling for an elite club soon enough.

In Central Defense

4. Alessandro Nesta Italy/AC Milan

3.Daniel van Buyten Belgium/Bayern Munich

2. Richard Dunne Ireland/Aston Villa

1. Thomas Vermaelen Belgium/Arsenal

This is where the quality begins to show.  Given the sharp decline of form for both Rio Ferdinand and John Terry, I’m sure Fabio Capello would give his eye teeth to have any two of these center backs available to England.

Thomas Vermaelen was Arsene Wenger’s only significant purchase in the summer of ’09, much to the consternation of the new ‘cupboard-is-bare’generation of Arsenal faithful.  Minds were quickly changed, though, when he came in and scored 4 goals, including a brace against Wigan to lead the Gunners charge out of the Premier League gate.  Unfortunately, for the Belgian, his national side was in a shambles, going through 3 managers in the past year.

Richard Dunne, another victim of the <coughbullshitcough> Henry handball, started out the campaign as unwanted goods at the Eastlands.   Former Man city chief, Mark Hughes, went all out to sign Joleon Lescott from Everton and Kolo Toure from Arsenal.  He then sold the Irishman to Aston Villa for a paltry £5 million.  Toure and Lescott paired up to contribute bup & kis to City.  Meanwhile, Dunne immediately formed a strong partnership with Welshman James Collins to anchor the Villa back line.  City did pip the Birmingham outfit to 5th place in the league but you have to wonder if they would be playing in the Champions League next year had Sparky not let all that Arab money burn a hole in his pocket.

Van Buyten was his usual solid presence for Bayern, occasionally using his height to head in a clutch goal for the Munich side that went all the way to the Champions League Final.  Nesta made himself available for selection after Italy’s poor showing in the Confederations Cup.  A knee injury in mid-season ruled him out of Marcello Lippi’s plans despite a strong personal finish to his Serie A season.

Fullback

3. Wayne Bridge (&former girlfriend) England/Man City

2. John Arne-Riise Norway/AS Roma

1. Javier Zanetti Argentina/Inter

The number one choice for right back, Javier Zanetti, was a no-brainer, which you would think would have naturally made Argentine manager Diego Maradona first in line among his admirers.  Alas, the Inter veteran had to settle for a cap of a different kind to end his 2010 season.  Zanetti, a smooth, capable defender anywhere across the rearguard, is just the first of a trio of world class players which the world’s ugliest streaker (please God, no!) left for me to snatch up.

Speaking of streakers, do a Google search for John Arne-Riise.  The man has an apparent aversion to clothing of which I was previously unaware.  On virtually every page of the search, he is photographed missing at least one article of clothing.  Still, if I had to choose, I would much rather see Norway win the World Cup than Argentina.  Of course, that is unlikely to happen and so, I am happy to make use of Riise’s penetrating runs, set piece wizardry and left footed thunder at fullback for the Lost Boys.

What can you say about Wayne Bridge that hasn’t already been said?  Given the enthusiasm of British tabloids, not a heck of a lot.  Myself, I can’t blame him for not being cajoled into playing alongside former mate John Terry.  Someone find him a shirt; he’s welcome here.

Holding Midfielder

2. Torsten Frings Germany/Werder Bremen

1. Esteban Cambiasso Argentina/Inter

Any winning side needs a gritty, determined midfielder, who isn’t ashamed of getting a little dirty, as long as it means winning balls and sending his team on the attack.  Esteban Cambiasso fits the bill to a tee.  Again, Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez’favorite golfing buddy largely ignored another  all world talent.

It was the bullet headed Cambiasso who took over in Inter’s midfield after Wesley Sneijder pulled up lame and guided the Nerazzurri to a momentous treble.  How Maradona failed to swallow his pride and invite  Esteban back into the fold is beyond me.  Given his ever increasing girth, it would seem El Pibe could swallow anything, no matter how over-inflated it might be.

Torsten Frings is a more than capable understudy here.  Yes, he has lost a step or two, which is why Joachim Low reluctantly left him off the German roster.  It’s only too bad that Ballack’s injury happened too late to recall Frings, as the provisional 30 man roster had already been declared.  His experience and tenacity may be missed with the Germans now looking for younger players to step into the void left by their fallen captain.

Attacking Midfielder

2. Clarence Seedorf Netherlands/AC Milan

1. Juan Roman Riquelme Argentina/Boca Juniors

A winning side also needs a creative midfielder who can take the ball from a Cambiasso, Frings or Gareth Barry type and move it into the opponents half, orchestrating a co-ordinated attack that will break down an opposing defense.  That is why you should be seeing the picture to the immediate right at some point in South Africa this summer.  This is the reason why you will not. Riquelme is a man of both principle and pride, putting him one up on the manager for whom he refuses to play.  Having come home to Argentina, where he felt more comfortable, the sublime Boca man was felled by injury.  After his rehabilitation, he volunteered to play the next season on the house.  His dislike of Maradona is legendary and his absence, along with those of Zanetti and Cambiasso has moved  the Albiceleste from among the most likely to succeed into a coin toss elimination with the French for most likely to disappoint.

If Riquelme cannot be convinced to leave his beloved homeland to take a turn with the Boys, Clarence Seedorf will fill in nicely.  The Dutch magician has been overshadowed this year by his Inter counterpart and countyrman, Wesley Sneijder.  Despite Dutch boss Bert van Marwijk’s preference for youth, the old lion has still shown sharp teeth this year at the San Siro.

On the Wings

Left Side

2. Andrei Arshavin Russia/Arsenal

1. Ronaldinho Brazil/AC Milan

Despite Andrei Arshavin’s disbelief that I would sit a talent like his on the bench, I had to go with Ronaldinho.  After all, he was the one who set this up.  The Brazilian may not have been able to earn back the trust of his  national manager, Dunga, but he still has that je ne c’est pas, that joie de vie, that special something (it occurs to me that these cliches should have been minted in Portuguese, not French) that defines greatness.

Arshavin carried the Gunners at times this year, most notably after Robin van Persie went down.  The diminutive Russian has all that French stuff, as well, and despite his lack of size and funny accent, he is unafraid to take on defenders and invade the 6 yard box.

Right Side

2. Yossi Benayoun Israel/Liverpool

1. Samir Nasri France/Arsenal

Samir Nasri was another victim of the benignly confused mind of Raymond Domenech.  As Arsenal threatened to steal the Premier League title out from under the noses of Chelsea and ManU in May, the tiny French winger was literally en fuego (sorry, I just can’t get the languages to match up).  With Henry scheduled to have splinters removed from his derriere (eureka!… oh, crap), it seemed that Nasri had played his way into the side.  After calling a close friend in Buenos Aires for a little confab, however, Domenech decided he had not.

Yossi Benayoun, in the meantime, continued to be the ultimate super-sub, coming on for Rafa Benitez here and there, potting game winning goals like there was no other kind.  Based upon expectations, it could even be said that his national side had a better year than his club, though neither has anything to show for it.  C’est la vie.

Strikers

2. Roman Pavyluchenko Russia/Tottenham

1. Edin Dzeko Bosnia/Wolfsburg

There were a couple of very big name forwards sitting out there, just begging to be penned into the starting lineup.  In my opinion, though, Edin Dzeko deserves to be in that place.  The Wolfsburg man has been attracting the interest of the biggest clubs for the last two seasons.  Even though his German club slid down the table this season and his national side fell at the last hurdle of qualification, the Bosnian was still one of the most dynamic players in the Bundesliga.

For Roman Pavyluchenko, the season had its ups as well as its downs.  Buried on the pine for much of the Premier League campaign and unable to secure his freedom in the January transfer window, the Russian bided his time.  When Harry Redknapp finally gave him the call, with Robbie Keane lent out to Celtic and Jermaine DeFoe nursing an injury, Pav dug in his heels and drove the Spurs to a Champions League spot.  Unfortunately, that success was offset by Russia’s failure to qualify for South Africa.

5. Kevin Kuranyi Germany/Schalke 04

4.Emmanuel Adebayor Togo/Manchester City

3. Zlatan Ibrahimovic Sweden/Barcelona

Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Emmanuel Adebayor are certainly headliners in the football world, whether or not I rate them as starters.  Both had rather tepid years leading up to South Africa, though, and Dzeko and Pavyluchenko were more deserving of the first team slots.

Ibra seemed to have a difficult time settling in at the Nou Camp, where his form was erratic at best.  On top of that, the Scandinavians were sluggish throughout qualifying and, ultimately, it cost them.  There were some electric moments for the swaggering Swede, to be sure, but there were also some lengthy siestas.

For Adebayor, 2009-10 was a spinning tumult of emotions.  Starting with his boorish exit from the Emirates, his subsequent suspension after running the length of the pitch to celebrate a goal in front of his former supporters and continuing through the tragic events in Cabinda during the Cup of Nations, Ade suffered on and off the pitch.  His form upon returning was quixotic but the maturity he showed in the aftermath of Togo’s ordeal brought him a new respect from English fans.

Kevin Kuranyi rededicated himself under new Schalke manager, Felix Magath, in an effort to win his way back into the good graces of the German national team.  Still, his disloyalty in walking out of a match at halftime was not forgotten by Joachim Low and Kuranyi will have to hope he still has something to offer in 2014, when he will be 32.

Manager

Juergen Klinsmann Comin' back from Cali

Yesterday, I had chosen my 23 players and was trying to decide who should manage them.  Lord knows, they won’t listen to me.

Suddenly, the phone rang.  It was Rafa Benitez’agent calling to ask if I could hold off on a hiring for 24 hours.  I kindly turned him down but was wondering to myself just what was up with that?

Manuel Pellegrini was on my mind, after packing his bags at the Bernabeu, but he’s just a little too whingy for my tastes.  I called up Mark Hughes but there was a message saying he was away on personal business in Uzbekistan?  Big Phil said he had jet lag.

Then I heard a rumor that John Harkes was boring the pants off Juergen Klinsmann and that the former German manager was willing to do just about anything to get out of the ESPN booth.

My search was over!  Who needs Kenny Dalglish?  My guys are rarin’to go, Juergen’s going to whip them into shape and we’re going to kick butt against the Spaniards, the Brazilians or whoever old Sepp throws at us.

I can’t wait.

Martin Palazzotto

Martin Palazzotto’s day job is in the yachting industry.  Having to live in close quarters with Brits, Scots, Kiwis, Aussies, Saffers and various Europeans for much of his adult life has irreversibly encoded the culture of football into his DNA.  He currently lives in Fort Lauderdale, where his access to soccer is limited to cable and, unfortunately for you, the internet.